.I mean why else?

I have a friend who thinks that her ex (or whatever he is) ...eh the guy that she's liked for a couple years now is gay. She's been trying to figure this guy out. She's tried all attempts to seduce him. Sent this pictures, sent the dirty text messages, she even sent VIDEOS! She texts him and just tells him that she's on the way to his house and she's ready and he tells her no every single time. She doesn't understand because they are young and she wants to have fun. Isn't the goal of the average person in their early twenties just on the brink of adulthood beginning their lives? To have wild fun at wild places and make wild memories? She just doesn't understand why there are so many hard limits with this guy. This guy who should be taking full advantage of the youth and innocence of the whole thing. Especially when he says that he wants her but they just can't. She's tried to figure out why time and time again. She's consulted her friends and her parents trying to get everyone's advice on what she should do and how she should interpret things. And the only thing that makes sense to her is that he's gay. He must be gay.

Who turns down guaranteed awesomeness and fun. A night or nights of great memories? What 23 year old man turns that down? One that's not interested in girls! That's what she's telling herself to make her feel better about the situation.

He may not be gay. He probably isn't. It may just be that he's not attracted to her anymore despite him saying that he is and even sending pictures of himself trying to prove otherwise. That all goes out the window, especially when you're turning her down and telling her no. That you shouldn't do it. He has total control. Total. He controls the sex. Or the lack thereof quite honestly. He must not be interested anymore to turn down available and good sex. Well I can't say that I know that it's good or not. lol

Man oh Man. When a man turns down sex, that's a scary thing. Run for the hills girl.

We laugh and call him gay now because it adds humor to the situation. It seems to make her feel better about it too.

Mildred Louise McDuffie

Yesterday May 21, 2012 my maternal grandmother passed. She was 81 years old and would have been 82 on June 2nd. She lived a great life but the last few ones were a bit rough. She had Alzheimer's and pretty much forgot who I was. It took a lot for me to accept that but I did. Last year when I was on my way back from England, she went into the hospital. She had a stroke and was incoherent for the past year. I've accepted this loss a while ago so Im doing ok.

I'm just glad that she's in Gods arms and back with my grandfather. Her one and only boyfriend <3

RIP lovely Millie

.Girls.

HBO has done it again.

It has captured my heart with yet another series.

"Girls" is written and directed by Lena Dunham and it shows exactly what women my age go through. I mean we all aren't living in NYC with writer dreams, but we all can relate to these girls in some form or another.

Last night I caught up on some missed episodes on demand and watched "Hannah's Diary". There was a scene where Hannah was telling Adam (the guy that she's sleeping with but not dating nor is in a relationship with) that she's tired of feeling like she's made everything up and feeling pathetic. She's tired of the games. I wish I had the direct quote of the entire scene but below will have to suffice.

"Hannah: I'm not asking you for anything. I'm really not asking you for anything. I've never asked you for anything, and I don't even want anything. I respect your right to see and do whoever you want. I don't even want a boyfriend.
Adam: What do you want? 
Hannah: I just want someone who wants to hang out all of the time, who thinks I'm the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me. And it makes me feel very stupid to tell you this because it makes me sound like a girl who wants to, like, go to brunch. And I really don't want to go to brunch, and I don't want you to sit on the couch while I shop or even meet my friends. I don't even want that."

Oh how I desperately wanted Hannah to say that she in fact wants Adam to be her boyfriend.

WHY CAN'T WOMEN JUST SAY WHAT THEY WANT?! ugh it is so annoying and one of the things I can't stand about myself. We get so wrapped up in the thought of the man and actually keeping them around no matter what we sacrifice and in any kind of way, that we put aside what it is that we really want. They tell us what they want and we give it to them. We tell them what we want and they say they don't want it and they apologize for it and that's that.

Crazy because I've found myself in the same exact shoes that Hannah was in. Telling a guy that she wants to be with that she doesn't want a boyfriend. Just so that she can still get to spend time with him in whatever sick twisted way he sees that fits him. She even called herself pathetic. A word that I recently admitted to using right here on my blog. Crazy! I found it a bit relieving to see that I'm not the only one who behaves or behaved that way. But at the same time it really does feel pathetic to see the situation for yourself. See it happening to someone else.

-----

I want a boyfriend. Not just any guy though. I don't want go months without knowing. "I want someone who wants to hang out all of the time and who thinks I'm the best person in the world." I thought that was possible without being together but I was told differently. I thought that I could get that without the title. Somehow I've learned and accepted that a title isn't necessary if the feelings are there. Where in the world did I get this from? A title is in fact necessary if feelings are there. Why? Because you will be reminded that you are not his girlfriend. That it was waste to have invested so much time in someone who doesn't ever see themselves being in a serious relationship with you no matter what you gave them physically or emotionally.

Hannah you should have told him you want a boyfriend out of him and if that's not what he wants, then it's over.

"I want a boyfriend out of you and if that's not what you want, then it's over."

:(

It's as if you never existed. As if I made this whole thing up. :( whyyyy??? Ugh so saddening.

.*Closes eyes and exhales*.

Life begins and the end of your comfort zone.

You may not remember what I say, but you will remember how I make you feel.

<3

I will love you anyway...

.Desire.

"I want you to be afraid of how much you love me."

To be needed.

I.need.you.

The thought of being in love is pretty darn scary and overwhelming. I'm just finished reading "Fifty Shades of Grey" and I'm actually on the second book. Picked the first book up on Saturday and was finished yesterday. I'll post my review on my other blog. But that book really made me think about myself and desire and lust.

Strong lust and desire.

.Moving On Up.

So I got a job offer at another major Network in the greater NYC area.

Stay tuned.

I haven't made official decisions or signed any papers.

I can't wait to spill the beans though.

I'm so happy, like so happy. Emotionally this weekend was pretty tough (as you can tell from my previous entries) and it's like whenever I'm down in the dumps and my faith is at its lowest and I'm questioning everything and I feel terrible, God shows up and blesses me. He lifts my head and let's me know to keep pushing and keep trying. That despite my emotional feelings, that someone is watching and someone is caring. And means the world to me.

I met this guy, strictly professional, and I spoke with him 4 times, once in person and he took a chance with me. Kept me in his mind and helped me out and is continuing to do so. It brings me to tears when I think about it. That he's so willing and really helpful and he doesn't even know me. It truly cancels all of that self doubt I've taken on since graduating. I doubted my self emotionally. I felt like everything I did was wrong and I couldn't figure out how I could change. How can I change who I am? My personality? My charm, my wit? It's really hard when you have to change who you are. Not make changes and compromises to certain things but everything about you. That's what I dealt with. And I meet someone who can change my life once and they were impressed with who I am and what I've done and what I'm capable of doing. And they don't forget about me. They continue to help and continue to be there.

God is so good.

I'll keep you posted on where I'm going and what's happening. I definitely know that the pressure is on though. I can't let this guy and most importantly God down. I have to be on my A game. No room for error.